Delayed ejaculation

Delays in reaching orgasm during sex are attributable to many causes for men. In general, however, this is not an issue of physical insensitivity of the penis, but is more about some emotional complex which renders a man unable to fully relate to women.

Specifically, the precipitating factors most often seen in cases of delayed ejaculation are a high level of repressed anger, or a high-level or fear, which is generally more obvious than the repressed anger.

In both cases, however, the truth is that men are unable to form a close and intimate relationship with a woman because of the consequences of the emotional wounds which they have suffered during childhood, which render them boundaried and defensive rather than open and vulnerable during intercourse.

It is possible for men to disconnect from their own emotional state, and to engage in sex in a disassociated frame of mind -- those men will be experienced by their female partners as disconnected and remote, while men with delayed ejaculation will be experienced as president but defensive or boundaried.

Much work has been conducted over the years by various psychologists and therapists on the etiology and origins of delayed ejaculation, but little has emerged that has demonstrated an effective treatment regime is possible.

The best treatment option seems to be a progressive desensitization a using techniques such as sensate focus to connect a man with the sense of physical arousal in his body; in turn this  will enable him to reach the point of orgasm more easily.

That is essentially the nature of delayed ejaculation: it is a condition in which sexual arousal is limited, in which a man does not respond to sexual stimuli that he's receiving in the way that might be expected, in most cases due to the the fear or anger (which has been mentioned above).

It follows that the emotional work which can address the deep emotional issues presented by a man may be necessary to enable him to ejaculate normally during sexual intercourse.

This material explains the problem more fully.

Delayed Ejaculation (DE)

Orgasm and ejaculation in men are two separate processes that often happen at the same time. However, when talking about men and “orgasm,” ejaculation is assumed to be part of the equation.

This Good In Bed Mini-guide is based on a conversation with Dr. Michael A. Perelman, a sex therapist and co-director of the Human Sexuality Program at Cornell Hospital in New York City.

Rapid proliferation of Internet porn also plays a role in the rise of delayed ejaculation. The reason is that easy access to porn has made frequent masturbation among men more common. This can lead to an increase in the time it takes to reach orgasm and ejaculate during real sex.

With so many varieties of porn at their fingertips, men who get in the habit of having a steady flow of sexual novelty and intense visual stimulation, have a more difficult time reaching peak levels of sexual arousal with their real-world partners.

Also, men with delayed ejaculation may get physiologically aroused when with a partner, but they are mentally disconnected and cannot focus enough climax. These psychological causes can include: Not wanting to get a woman pregnant, bottled-up anger, and control issues. Recently, there has also been an increase in delayed ejaculation among men who are anxious about the economy, often related to job loss and financial stress.

Medication that treats erectile dysfunction such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis often reduce the amount of stimulation required for a man to achieve an erection. However, it causes some men to erroneously think they are sufficiently turned-on when in fact they are not. The reason is they have a physical sign of being sexually excited (an erection), but they are not emotionally and psychologically aroused.

We often think of men getting erections merely from the thought of sex, let alone physical touch. Partners generally think, “If he has an erection, he wants to have sex. If he is not hard, then something must be wrong.”

The same is true for orgasm. If he does not climax, the partner may take it personally. In these instances, it is not uncommon for a partner to question their own attractiveness, feel angry and resentful, or experience a range of other emotions.

Psychosocial and cultural factors often play a significant role in cases of delayed ejaculation. For example, religions that are extremely structured and strict in their views related to sexuality (those in which masturbation and/or sex outside of marriage is forbidden or discouraged), generally prevent people from learning about and experiencing sexual pleasure. Ultimately, this can hinder a person’s sexual self-expression when they feel it is appropriate to become sexually active.

Or, their shame and guilt can inhibit them from truly immersing themselves mentally and emotionally in the experience of sex. Some of these men will even develop odd masturbation styles that require more friction than usual, and they end up training themselves to reach orgasm through a masturbation pattern that is very different from what it feels like to be stimulated by a partner.

Control issues frequently play a role in delayed ejaculation (check out the causes here.). Generally speaking, there are men who have trouble letting go and experiencing pleasure in various aspects of their life—including their sex life. Or, they have sex to be able to brag about the number of partner they have had, but in the end they are not really immersed in the sensuality of the sexual experience. There are also some men who do not use their mind to enhance arousal, and always rely on routine types of touch to get turned-on.

They might not even be aware they are mentally disconnected or know that their enjoyment of sex could be different. As these men age and start to deal with erectile problems, they may turn to drugs such as Viagra or Cialis. Ultimately, medication is not enough because the critical missing piece is the ability to be mentally immersed in the experience of sex, and forge a sexually intimate connection with their partner.

Our sexual health is a barometer of our overall health, and delayed ejaculation can be a sign that something else is not functioning properly. For this reason, it is important to distinguish between something related to the chemistry and biology of the body itself, and additional factors like medication, illness, injury or surgery that can disrupt healthy functioning.

For men who take prescription drugs, it is important to pay particular attention to potential side effects. This is especially true of anti-depressants that raise serotonin levels.

Men do not have to choose between sanity and a sex life, but it is important to address the issue with an experienced prescribing doctor. Also, as men age, it is common for their prostates to swell and to interfere with urination. As a result, alpha-blockers are commonly prescribed, leading to DE.

When a man masturbates, he is often applying significantly higher levels of pressure and friction than real intercourse provides. So, he may get used to a different kind of physical feeling. Additionally, age can exacerbate the situation, as it is perfectly natural for older men to experience longer refractory periods (the time between erections), but also an increase in the time it takes to reach orgasm and ejaculate.

As a result, there are a lot of men who can only get past the point of no return via oral sex, or manual stimulation (usually their own). The bottom line: If a man with delayed ejaculation is masturbating more frequently than he’s having sex with his partner, then it can be helpful to take a masturbation-break.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, men can fake it, and often do without detection. It is actually pretty easy when he is using a condom. Even if a man is having sex without a condom, he can likely come up with an excuse like, “Well I came, there just wasn’t a lot.” In general, it takes about two minutes for a man to fully lose an erection after he ejaculates. When a guy fakes his orgasm and ejaculation, it is easy to be fooled since it is natural to have some time before his penis becomes flaccid.

Not talking about delayed ejaculation-with a partner, doctor, or therapist—can negatively affect each partner and the relationship. Men with delayed ejaculation may feel anxious about their sexual performance, have low self-esteem, and face other emotional consequences. Partners may question their own attractiveness, feel angry and resentful, or experience a range of other emotions.

The good news is that talking about delayed ejaculation is not as difficult as talking about erectile disorder or premature ejaculation, as guys with DE are able to get erect as well as last longer—two sources of male pride. It is easy to get the conversation going by saying something outside of a sexual situation like, “Hey, I feel like you are a little disconnected during sex, or that you’re not enjoying being with me as much as you could. Is there something on your mind? When he asks “What do you mean?” a partner can say, “Well I have noticed it takes you longer to reach orgasm or that you can only get there in certain ways. What can I do to help?”

By understanding delayed ejaculation and being aware of the factors that might cause it, couples can be on the same page, strengthen their relationship and get back to enjoying an intimate sexual connection.

It can take a lot of courage to seek help for delayed ejaculation. Some men may get help on their own, and others may go with their partner for support and to work through the issue together.

If a man thinks something may physically be wrong, it can be helpful to see a doctor. Making an appointment to see a urologist to do some general tests can help narrow down or rule out the cause.

If the cause may be psychological in nature, it's helpful to see a sex counselor or sex therapist.